Isn’t it amazing how you can hear the same song over and over and then one day the meaning just, clicks?! It’s like hearing it for the first time, only in the way it was intended to be all along. That’s how I’ve felt all day, especially in this moment. This moment of complete serenity, peace, honesty, and a little bit of hurt. For so long the cage around my heart has gained momentum, strength, durability. Today I realized it has begun to weaken, crack in some places (i.e. watching movies/tv and experiencing extreme emotion and even sometimes, tears). Newness, fresh skin, revealing itself under a hardened heart. It is completely scary and terrifying to admit the realization of my true heart condition. I’d been so convinced. Perception had become my reality. I was fine. It was fine.
Then I realized…
I hadn’t been fine. It hadn’t been fine. What I had once buried had uncovered itself over time. I relate to all those crime shows I watch and love so much. I’m that body, buried deep in the woods, praying no one would ever find and then one day, along comes a dog. Why is it always a dog that finds a corpse? Poor dogs! They need to hold onto their sweet puppy innocence and not see such horrid things as death, murder, and decay! But alas, along walks a dog and finds my hand, my fingers. Rotted over time, unlovable, unattractive to all who gaze upon them and then I am found. But at this point in the show, it’s not just a body found, it’s a body publicized, explored, questioned, and made public to all injuries; severe and not. Every hidden moment, secret, revealed.
This is that moment…
The band aid has been ripped off, the coroner’s report has come in, brokenness is what they’ve found. Rejection is the cause of death.
Why has this been so hard to acknowledge? Why has it been deathly, painful to admit my brokenness? The rawness of living with a heart abandoned only to be abandoned by others, this has been the mark of my existence. Now maybe that’s being a bit dramatic but that is essentially what it has felt like.
I’m listening to a song, “open up let the light in” and I’ve realized. These are the Lord’s words for me. He’s gently, yet strongly encouraging me, to open up and let the light in. Let truth set me free, the truth of his words. Let healing take place. Let people see the imperfections for what they are. Let others see my pain and acknowledge its ability to turn into beauty. After all, isn’t that what the light does? It brings truth, awareness, and beauty to something that was once unseen, unknown, undervalued, and at times unappreciated.
The world is a dark and often cruel place. Yet, his truth brings light. It brings hope. It brings justice. It brings the elements to life that we desire but cannot conjure on our own. He is my hope, my source of strength and joy, my light in the darkness that can overtake me if I am not careful.
What a grateful moment to have the sun shine in. The beams of light are beams of hope, a promise that more is out there. A discovery that something new awaits. A particle of dust crosses the beam, and what could be seen as gross and disgusting somehow turns into a beautiful symphony of movements as I kick up my heel and stir more dust around. Oh what a delightful community to be a part of, to float along without… and then I realize, “Nope! I would need more structure.” I’d need to float knowing that I was heading somewhere, to something, to someone. The beauty that is seen in the room can only be seen this way once a day. The setting of the sun, the going down of light is an experience unlike the rising. This is what I love. The beauty and quintessential difference of the rise and fall.
I bring this back to the reality of my heart. The truth is, I’ve fallen. I’ve fallen hard for people’s trust, their approval, their love and all I can tell you is, they’ve always disappointed; I’ve always disappointed. But what I can also tell you is my heart has risen. It has found hope and life. After two decades of searching there is one truth that has not let me down. Jesus. By no means has his truth always been easy or even fun, but unlike anything else it has remained. His love has lasted. His love has been perfect, even when what I thought I needed wasn’t what I needed, even when what I wanted turned out not to be what I wanted. He has remained. He has never faltered. He has never shut his eyes to the failures I make regularly. He has opened his heart to me, asked me in, and taken me on the greatest journey any of us can go on.
If you find yourself like me lost, broken, hurting there is hope. It isn’t in an essential oil, it isn’t in a pharmaceutical drug, it’s in a person and his name is Jesus. You’ve probably heard about him at some point but you may never have met him. Did you know there’s a difference? I haven’t always known there was a difference until someone explained it to me in a way similar to this; I know who Donald Trump is. I know what he does, what he says he believes in, who his family is, where he lives. Yet, I’ve never met him. So then I reevaluate. I do not actually know WHO Donald Trump is, I just know OF Donald Trump.
A lot of us live our lives this way when it comes to our spirituality and our faith. We know OF our beliefs but we don’t always know WHO we believe in. Interesting concept isn’t it?
Let the light in today, let your hearts open to the reality of your situations and your feelings, the emotions and the rollercoaster you’ve been on. Then allow yourself to realize, up until this point, you’ve never actually been able to do anything yourself to fix it. We’ve tried everything but nothing seems to works. There’s a reason for that. There is not supposed to be a thing to fix us, there is a person, Jesus. Maybe you’ve given him a try before but it just didn’t seem to work out. To which I would ask; did He fail you or did a person fail you? Because people will always fail, it’s just unfortunately a part of our imperfect nature. And if you haven’t given Jesus a try I’d ask, what’s keeping you from it? Is it the people who call themselves Christians but treat people poorly (I dislike those people too)? If the whole Christian faith happened to be a fluke, would you be worse off for believing it? There are simple solutions to these questions, ones I’d love to answer if you’d like me to [firstname.lastname@example.org]. Regardless, this I know to be true. He is the light and wherever there is light, there cannot be darkness. Today, and everyday, I will choose to let the light in, even when I would rather hide from it.
All my love, always